What I Got For Christmas

What I got for Christmas was confusion and my period.

Well, I also got snow pants, 6 inch heels and a sweet DSLR camera which I have been dying for since I was a junior in high school. But I'm talking about something else here. A few days before Christmas I got a box in the mail. It was addressed to a one Ms. Daisy Buchanan from a Mr. Jay Gatsby. I of course immediately knew who it was from. It was from a boy.

Inside the box was a plethora of things that made me go "Awww!" He sent me a BYU tshirt and hat, some Stephen's hot cocoa and fry sauce, a Disney coloring book, some souvenirs from the Nauvoo temple, and the Lion House Cakes and Cupcakes cookbook. It was so sweet and thoughtful and Mormon of him.

Do boys send packages to girls they are just friends with?

Something about Gifts.

See, that's a funny title because this post is about Christmas AND my period. So like, Christmas gifts and my "monthly gift." Get it? Haha? Hahaha? No? Anyway. It's the Christmas season and I'm about to make all of you feel at least mildly uncomfortable by discussing essential elements of female reproduction, because that's what Christmas is all about.

It's 2am on Christmas Eve and my period is making its monthly debut. This freakin' blows, you guys, for so many reasons. Because getting your period any day of any month sucks. First of all, I feel like absolute crap. My stomach is upset and my abdomen is twisting and wrenching and cramping and just generally being a drama queen about everything. I also have to pee like every 20 minutes. I don't know why, but it always happens. I'm tired, my back hurts, I have a headache.

Also. It's hard to be in the Christmas spirit. You don't exactly feel jolly when your uterus feels like it's going to fall out your butt. You want to rip someone's throat out with your teeth. You want to go all honey badger all up in here. You find yourself wanting to speed up instead of slow down for pedestrians. Everything everyone says makes you just a little bit more pissed off. It's like shark week in your pants and you're not happy about it.

Not to mention that now I can't wear the skirt I wanted to wear for Christmas Eve. Because it's too tight and shows panty lines. And I am not under any circumstances about to wear a THONG on the heaviest day of my flow, dang it. It's just not smart. So now I'm going to have to find something less attractive and more comfortable to wear so that nobody catches on that I'm wearing my ugly stupid period panties.

Seriously, this is totally the worst. I'm gonna have my period on Christmas and it's totally crap because I had it on Thanksgiving too and like SERIOUSLY, OVARIES?! You know how well adjusted I am with my family so you're just going to screw up not one, but TWO family-central holidays for me? You just thought, "Oh, she's usually so well-behaved around her relatives, I'm sure she won't mind a little menstruation!"??!? Well congratulations, reproductive system. You're ruining my life.