Utah Ruined Me.

No seriously, Utah has ruined me forever. I don't want to get out of bed unless there are mountains to see, which there are not. I don't want to do my school work because I got to climb mountains and go to football games and make gah-gah faces at a boy and consume Jamba Juice and ride alpine coasters and see Temples in Utah and all I did was have fun (and fall too deeply in love with a boy I will probably never have).

In all honesty, to be completely 100 percent truthful, I've never felt more at home anywhere else in the whole world. And I've been a lot of places. But I breathed that mountain air and now anything else just feels stale. It's actually a completely horrendous feeling, to finally find where you belong and then LEAVE 4 days later, with no plans to return any time soon. Not to be dramatic, but I feel like everything I love gets ripped away from me. I meet a boy and he leaves for college and Scooters quits making passionfruit smoothies and Blue doesn't have the TNT roll anymore and Commander in Chief got cancelled after one season and so did the Gates and Target doesn't have the healthy chicken nuggets I love and Nebraska just isn't Utah.

I'm finding it really, really hard to care about anything right now. It's sort of horrible. Which is why I feel like this trip was a total and complete mistake. It just made my heart hurt. But at the same time... it was the best 4 days of my whole entire life. For those 4 days I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Except for on the way to the airport, when I cried for 75 minutes straight, including through security, and listened to "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" on loop.

I think I have a speech due Monday, and I KNOW that I have a paper due for peer editing. But I've been so busy trying to preserve the skin on my arms that I just haven't had the energy to do them. I'm a terrible college student. People are always like, "Aren't Mormons supposed to be, like, really good students?" and I'm like, yeah, we're also not supposed to say SHIT either, so whoops. I suck. Nobody has ever claimed otherwise so don't act so freakin' surprised. So what if I got a 34 on my ACT? I am a chronic underachiever. And now that I'm questioning my life goals and purpose, I'm becoming even more of one. Just deal with it.

I was talking with a friend today and he told me that 99% of people consider themselves above average. I am perhaps that 1% that thinks I'm subpar in every aspect. Sure, I'm probably above average intelligence wise, but I'm a definitely below proficient at using that intelligence to my ability, which makes me of about average intelligence. In the looks department, I might be a 5. Definitely not beautiful. But somewhere north of hideous. The only place I am willing to acknowledge that I might be above average is in the boobs department.

The thing is, though, I'm tired of just being average. I'm tired of not feeling good enough for anything or anyone. And I'm tired of taking it out on myself in unhealthy ways. I'm tired of being a waste of time and space, and of only excelling in one area: parental disappointment. When I was in Utah I felt like I could maybe be someone... do something right. But now that I'm back, I feel like nothing again. Just empty... a shell of worthless nothing.

Stupid freakin' Utah.

I've cried like 7 times today already...

I think Utah broke me.

It put a short in my circuits or something.

I've cried like 7 times today. I get this horrible sense of dread, I sob for about a minute, then I feel numb for a while and then I'm almost generally okay for a while. It's a horrible cycle. I can't even be funny right now I hurt so bad. I kind of think this whole trip was a horrible idea because now being at home just seems wrong. I feel like my life lacks beauty and purpose now. It was the best 4 days of my life and it was a terrible idea. Everything was so beautiful and it just felt like home. And it felt like a beautiful, wonderful dream being there.

I'm not going to school tomorrow. Something will remind me of Matt or of the mountains or of the wonderful people I met and the sense of belonging I felt and I will dissolve into tears and make a spectacle of myself and my contacts will get all foggy so I'm just not gonna go. I'm too depressed.

Darn you, Utah, for breaking my heart.

Ridiculous Speculation, Part II

Really only 2 days until I'm climbing aboard an airplane and heading off to the magical land of Utah! I can't stop thinking about it! No. Really. I can't. It's in my head 24/7. So I'm going to tell you more about what I'm going to be doing!

On Saturday morning, October 8th, I will wake up confused about my surroundings. Then slowly it will dawn on me that I'm on Matt's aunt Kay's couch. Everyone else will likely be awake already and will say "Good morning, sunshine!" and I'll mumble something incoherent and stagger my way back to the bedroom where my suitcase is. I will rifle through it, still half awake, and select something likely entirely too formal for the brunch we'll be going to, but I'd like to make a good impression so I won't really care. Then I'll shuffle into the bathroom with my clothing and my cosmetics bag. I'll set everything on the counter and then realize I forgot underwear so I'll have to go back to my suitcase and get them.

Then, I will attempt to turn on the shower. I'm notoriously bad at figuring out how to turn on other peoples' showers. 50% of the time I have to stumble out naked and wrapped in a towel to the house owner and ask them to turn on their shower for me. They'll roll their eyes and do something so simple that I spend my entire shower ashamed and wanting to die.

After my shower I will likely blow-dry my hair partially. This might be the most important part of my day.

Then I'll go to the obligatory brunch with people I don't know very well, and I'll sit and smile politely in my sweater and be quiet so as not to frighten anyone. Hopefully Matt will come sit by me and play tic-tac-toe with me.

The we'll go back to Kay's house and get ready for Ash's wedding. I'll put on my skirt and sweater and then go stand outside to make sure it's not windy. If it is windy, I'll come back inside and safety pin the inside folds of my skirt so it doesn't catch the wind and I don't flash everyone my leopard print underwear.

Then we'll go to the wedding and I'll make a fool of myself doing the Chicken Dance and Cotton-Eyed Joe and the Macarena and maybe even the Electric Slide. Hopefully they'll also play some Lady Gaga. Then I'll finagle Matt into letting me have his piece of wedding cake. Then I will probably not catch the bouquet because let's face it... who's going to marry me? Then I might cry in the bathroom about how I'm going to die a virgin.

Then, after the wedding, we'll come back to Kay's house and get ready for the Cougars game. I'll try to convince Matt that we should paint our faces like big Y's but he will say no so I'll just do it on my nails. Then we'll go to Lavell Edwards Stadium and watch BYU beat San Jose State and I'll get so excited I'll probably cry.

And that's what is going to happen on October 8th.

My Future Plans

...and by "future" I mean 8 days from now.

8 days from now I'll be boarding a flight direct to Salt Lake City. 2.4 hours later I will disembark the plane and arrive at Salt Lake International Airport. At that point I will probably pee myself from excitement. Just kidding. I'm sure I'll make it to a bathroom in time.

In said bathroom I will put on more makeup, because the stuff I put on earlier probably got sweated off on the plane due to anxiety. I will then run a brush through my hair in an attempt to look less ratty. Then I will practice my cool face in the mirror for a minute before emerging.

I will then walk down the hallway towards my welcome party, which will likely consist of 2 people. The one I am most concerned about is a boy who I may or may not have fallen in love with a few months ago. The other one will probably be his sister, who is cool too. But I'm probably going to drop everything and maybe cry and definitely hug him. And hopefully he will hug me back and say "I've missed you" and I'll say "I've missed you too" and we'll kiss and... okay, probably not. But I have it all built up in my head... and it's going to be glorious.

Then we'll get my baggage. Matt's sister Megan will make a comment about how cute it is and I will say "Thanks! I got it at TJ Maxx! Who would have guessed?" and we'll talk about how much we love the Maxx and then Matt will roll his eyes and be like "Seriously you guys?" and I'll laugh and hug him.

Then we'll go out to lunch at the Garden in the Joseph Smith building, and we'll have this glorious, breathtaking view of the temple and I might cry again and Matt and I might (won't) kiss again (because we didn't in the first place) and it will be so beautiful that I'll make him take a picture of me. And then I'll insist on paying for lunch because that's the kind of person I am. And then we'll hold hands (all 3 of us) and walk around downtown Salt Lake City. And I'll see the temple and I'll be like OMG I WANT TO MARRY YOU RIGHT THERE only I won't say that because it would be scary.

Then Matt will drive us home in his new Mitsubishi Galant and I'll sit in the back seat and talk the whole time about how great I think baseball is.

And that is a basic synopsis of October 7th from 12:25 CST to 3:30 or so MST.