Utah Ruined Me.

No seriously, Utah has ruined me forever. I don't want to get out of bed unless there are mountains to see, which there are not. I don't want to do my school work because I got to climb mountains and go to football games and make gah-gah faces at a boy and consume Jamba Juice and ride alpine coasters and see Temples in Utah and all I did was have fun (and fall too deeply in love with a boy I will probably never have).

In all honesty, to be completely 100 percent truthful, I've never felt more at home anywhere else in the whole world. And I've been a lot of places. But I breathed that mountain air and now anything else just feels stale. It's actually a completely horrendous feeling, to finally find where you belong and then LEAVE 4 days later, with no plans to return any time soon. Not to be dramatic, but I feel like everything I love gets ripped away from me. I meet a boy and he leaves for college and Scooters quits making passionfruit smoothies and Blue doesn't have the TNT roll anymore and Commander in Chief got cancelled after one season and so did the Gates and Target doesn't have the healthy chicken nuggets I love and Nebraska just isn't Utah.

I'm finding it really, really hard to care about anything right now. It's sort of horrible. Which is why I feel like this trip was a total and complete mistake. It just made my heart hurt. But at the same time... it was the best 4 days of my whole entire life. For those 4 days I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Except for on the way to the airport, when I cried for 75 minutes straight, including through security, and listened to "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" on loop.

I think I have a speech due Monday, and I KNOW that I have a paper due for peer editing. But I've been so busy trying to preserve the skin on my arms that I just haven't had the energy to do them. I'm a terrible college student. People are always like, "Aren't Mormons supposed to be, like, really good students?" and I'm like, yeah, we're also not supposed to say SHIT either, so whoops. I suck. Nobody has ever claimed otherwise so don't act so freakin' surprised. So what if I got a 34 on my ACT? I am a chronic underachiever. And now that I'm questioning my life goals and purpose, I'm becoming even more of one. Just deal with it.

I was talking with a friend today and he told me that 99% of people consider themselves above average. I am perhaps that 1% that thinks I'm subpar in every aspect. Sure, I'm probably above average intelligence wise, but I'm a definitely below proficient at using that intelligence to my ability, which makes me of about average intelligence. In the looks department, I might be a 5. Definitely not beautiful. But somewhere north of hideous. The only place I am willing to acknowledge that I might be above average is in the boobs department.

The thing is, though, I'm tired of just being average. I'm tired of not feeling good enough for anything or anyone. And I'm tired of taking it out on myself in unhealthy ways. I'm tired of being a waste of time and space, and of only excelling in one area: parental disappointment. When I was in Utah I felt like I could maybe be someone... do something right. But now that I'm back, I feel like nothing again. Just empty... a shell of worthless nothing.

Stupid freakin' Utah.