It's that time of year again... Halloween is only days away. Or wait... did I miss the memo? Did they change the name of the holiday to Whoreaween? Because that is what I am seeing. Everywhere. And I am sick and mo-effin' tired of it... for several reasons.
First of all... what makes you ladies think you need to walk around in lingerie? Lingerie is reserved for delighting your menfolk in the bedroom, isn't it? That's why it's lingerie and not marketed as public attire. It belongs in the confines of you own home... or a strip club. Why are you giving away your goodies for free? Why are you letting it all hang out for the world to see? The way I see it, you are degrading yourselves, girls. Walking around in underwear gives men the impression that you are easy. And it gives other women the impression that you are a sad attention whore with daddy issues. Perhaps you are both of those things. In which case, you might want to consider evaluating your life and where you are at. If you are not those things, why are you okay with letting people think you are? Being too accessible will likely work to your disadvantage anyway. Just ask Planned Parenthood.
My next point I'd like to make is this: if you have to be slutty, AT LEAST TRY! It's Halloween, skank-face, not amateur night at The Playhouse. If you are going to go out in lingerie in public and expose everyone to your lady parts, at least have some semblance of actual costume. It's not a costume if it's just a short red dress, fishnets and glittery stilettos. Are you slutty Carmen San Diego? Are you Paula Abdul? We don't know. You just look like a hooker. Maybe you are a hooker, in which case, be a little more original. It's not a costume if it's a black corset, hotpants and fishnets with thigh-high boots. Are you a dominatrix? Where's your whip? Are you catwoman? Where's the cat part of that scenario? Are you a hooker again? I've just began to assume that 90% of all women dress as hookers for Halloween. At least put on a pair of freakin' animal ears so we know that you understand the holiday.
My final point for this angry, judgmental rant is that I am really tired of seeing people not dress for their body type. Listen, I'm not some hot blonde with a perfect tan and a smokin' bikini-ready body. I get it. But when you've got some serious cellulite cheesin' up your back half, please do not wear a skirt that shows the lower half of your butt cheeks. PLEASE. For the love of all things good in this world, PUT IT AWAY. If you didn't feel like shaving your armpits this month, don't wear a strapless dress. If you wear a 38D, don't try and cram yourself into a 36C. It gives you smashy double boobs and back fat. I am a firm believer that everyone is beautiful in their own way if they just know how to work with it. I know y'all don't wanna see my big ol' size 12 hunk of cellulite butt in a pair of spandex booty shorts so I'm not going to subject you to it. I'm just polite that way. But if you can't pull it off, please don't put it on anyway.
I apologize if I have offended anyone (but like seriously get over yourself) but that's how I feel about Halloween and women. I don't know why you have to be a sexy police officer. Why can't you just be a regular one?
Men, you just wait. I'll tell you how I feel about your dumb behinds later.
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