An Actual Conversation that Took Place at Work Today or, WHAT THE FETCH IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

There are a lot of moments in my workplace that I just want to be like, "seriously, America?" but I can't because part of my job is to be really fetchin' polite to everyone. Moments including guys depositing a large pool of spit on the sidewalk for everyone to see/step in, people asking me to screen them for colon cancer and women who wear heels to baseball games. But today I had an encounter that really took stupid jerk to a whole new level. Here's approximately how it all went down:

Man approaches me looking angry. I smile at him in a friendly manner which seems to darken his mood even more.'

Man: I bought these tickets over the phone and paid like forty bucks and they're not what I asked for.

Me: Oh, not what you asked for? I'm sorry, which tickets did you ask for?

Man: The guy on the phone said there'd be air conditioning.

Me: Oh, well in that-

Man: There's no air conditioning.

Me: Not in your seats, no, but in the indoor club area-

Man: there's no air conditioning in there.

Me: ...um... yes, I think there is...?

Man: (growing more angry and irrational) NO THERE'S NOT.

Me: (confused and growing impatient) There is supposed to be...?

Man: It's like 80 degrees in there-

Me: ...and 104 out here.

Man: I asked for seats inside in the air conditioning, I paid $40, the man on the phone said I'd get that and my seats are behind home plate.

Me: ...those are really good seats.

Man: There's no air conditioning.

Me: (annoyed) Well no, they're outside and you can't exactly air condition the outdoors.

Man: I didn't get what I paid for.

Now at this point I'm pissed. It's hot as balls, I've been outside for six hours sweating and this idiot is yelling at me for his own stupidity.

Me: Actually, YEAH, you did get EXACTLY what you paid for. I'm guessing since you're complaining about spending $40, you aren't going to want to drop the cash for a nightly suite, which runs $645. Without spending that, the club seats are the only thing that is going to come close to that. Sorry. I don't know what you're asking me for. I don't know what to do for you.

Man: Well then fine. Maybe I just won't come back.

Me: Well that's just fine because I never want to see your dumb-ass cheapskate moron face around here ever again.

Just kidding. But I did say this:

Me: Ok, or you could talk to my manager like a rational adult.

And then I called my manager who had to deal with him. And then he ended up storming out of the park anyway. Hey, man, if you want air conditioning, don't come to a baseball game. They're played OUTSIDE. I don't know who peed in his cheerios this morning but the way he was acting he probably had it coming 12 times over.

Cows, Corn and... Cannibals?

[I wrote this yesterday before I found a wireless hotspot. Keep that in mind.]

Hello! And welcome to small town America. I’m your host, Glory, and we’re going to talk about Erie, Kansas, population 1150. Aren’t you sooooooo excited?! I know I am!

We came to Erie to see my family; my 88 year old grandmother lives here and so does my great aunt. I’ve been coming here for 20-odd years and I feel like there is less and less to do every time except just be cynical and confused by other peoples’ life choices. Right now, for example, I’m watching a game of chinese checkers. Why? Because there is no internet, no cable, no phone service and it’s hot as balls, what with it being Kansas in July. The mosquitos are bigger and meaner, the sun is hotter and the air is wetter. In short, it’s like Nebraska but worse.

Erie is the kind of town where people don’t lock their doors and leave their sheds open but makes me personally paranoid that I’m going to get taken by some crazed lunatic who wants to make my skin into a pair of assless chaps. I’m afraid to go outside at night because NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS IN SMALL TOWNS AT NIGHT. Believe me. Watch the movies. Children of the Corn, anyone? How about Signs? Amityville Horror? You see my point.

I was wondering. Do they have weird small towns in other parts of the country or is it just the midwest? Seems like they just lend themselves to the midwest so well, with all the farming communities and cornfields and far away neighbors.

(Sidenote: I can’t WAIT to have a family so we can all get our portrait taken together that will make everyone feel REALLY uncomfortable in coming years.)

So here I am, and here we are. I’ll stay for about 48 hours, eat some really bad-for-you food and maybe go walk along the side of the highway looking for someone to take me back to their trailer and get me pregnant. Oh, did I say that out loud? What I meant was turtles. Looking for turtles. My bad.

Why am I so gosh darn cynical?

Anyway, I'm also making you all a video, taking you on a tour of the sparkling midwestern gem that is Erie, Kansas. You'll get to enjoy that in a later post.

Love,

Glory.

EDIT: Just kidding about the video. I lost interest after about the first clip.

Post(not so)Secret

I have a huge collection of postcards. Only 6 of them are postcards I haven't created myself. It all started with the first time I ever read a PostSecret book. It changed my outlook on life but I'm not going to go into the psychological stuff surrounding my postcard collection... I'm just going to show some to you. It started with an art project and then evolved into my daily journal.

I make 1 postcard every single day, without exception. I keep this year's cards in a Bare Escentuals box in my closet. Last year's are in a silver card case. Anyway... Sometimes they are actually secrets. Sometimes they are facts. Sometimes they are jokes. There is a wide range of emotions displayed in the postcards. I've only shared them with a few people. And now, I'm going to share some (not all, oh lord that would be bad) of them with you, internet (Rob).

(Just Kidding. Still at square one over here.)

(Seriously. Any time now.)

And so there you have it... some various postcards. These are all harmless... there are some much deeper darker ones and some much more embarrassing ones. But these give you some idea. I'd be glad to send you one.