A Comprehensive List of Things That Suck, Part 2

I highlighted my favorite ones again.

68. The Federalist papers

69. The word “vaginal.”

70. Taking notes while reading

71. When people give you some searching look, and you ask “what?” and they look away and pretend to be nonchalant and say “oh, nothing.”

72. How when you get a new operating system on your computer, it doesn’t really change anything except the little things you really like. (Yeah, Snow Leopard, I’m talkin’ ‘bout you.”

73. Our stupid unicameral.

74. The word “Stinky.”

75. How when I wear any kind of V-neck I show cleavage and look inevitably slutty, but people with small boobs can wear a shirt with a v-neck to their belly button and it’s ok people you still can’t see anything.

76. Feminine Hygiene Product commercials. (Always stupid, always uncomfortable.)

77. When your lipstick accidentally ends up in the washer.

78. Unloading the dishwasher.

79. The way I actually shed more than the cat or the dog.

80. Cellulite.

81. The way necklaces turn around and you forget you’re wearing them and therefore are walking around with the chain clasp showing like ALL DAY.

82. When your nose really, really itches but you can’t scratch it without looking like you’re picking your nose.

83. Chain emails!!!

84. CHAIN TEXTS!!!!!!

85. When I’m texting and it’s been like half an hour since I sent the text and the recipient hasn’t texted me back so I look at my phone and it turns out I didn’t even send the message.

86. People who use small animals as accessories.

87. Falling asleep in public.

88. My stupid spider fingers.

89. When you’re chewing gum and it’s all gross and flavorless and you desperately want to spit it out but there’s no place to do it so you just keep chewing.

90. When anyone feels the need to call me “Shorty” or “Boo.”

91. Red Pick-up trucks. Seriously, it’s a jerk car. Everyone I know with a red truck? I totally can’t stand!

92. When people call me "kid" or "kiddo." Especially if they're YOUNGER than me.

93. When there are just like, random traffic cones in the road for no apparent reason.

94. When streets don’t have turn lanes!

95. When ignorant people ask if because I’m from Nebraska, I drive a tractor to school. I usually answer “no, I ride a horse.”

96. When people DO drive tractors. On highways. Really slow. Across both lanes. Believe me, it happens WAY more than it should.

97. Rush Limbaugh

98. World of Warcraft- the very idea of it.

99. The way schools are constantly freezing all the time.

100. Smelling like food.

101. When people try to stifle my creativity. (Ex. “No, you don’t need to paint those, they look just fine.”)

102. When people randomly take off their shoes in public. And then their feet smell really bad. That is so not ok.

103. The awful sound alarm clocks make.

104. Highly specific internet polls, and their largely unsurprising results. (Do you know an animal that has saved someone’s life? 97% said no.)

105. The fact that I know all the words to “Womanizer.”

106. Old Men who reckon they’re really good with computers. (They’re not.)

107. Unimaginative newspaper headlines. (“Obama to Give Speech”)

108. Not being invited to weddings I didn’t want to go to anyway. (Ahem, DAD.)

109. Inappropriate-looking sign language that I help but laugh at.

110. The way fat comedians always feel the need to wear patterned suits. (That’s right, John Candy, that means you.)

111. When people read joke books in public.

112. My stupid passport picture in which I look like I’m a bow-tie wearing vampire who doesn’t own a hair brush.

113. Self-righteous religious bigots.

114. Trying to take a photo when your camera is set to video mode.

115. Not knowing whether or not someone is still alive. “Oh yeah. Wait, is he still around?” “…I have no idea.”

116. Crying clowns.

117. When people feel the need to do “the party boy.”

118. Really thin strips of facial hair.

118 and a half. Actually, most facial hair in general.

119. When people think the saxophone is sexy.

120. People who go to Disney World and then act miserable the whole time.

121. Halloween masks and the way they always smell weird.

122. Samuel L. Jackson’s hats.

123. The “Hey, everyone, I got that intellectual joke!” laugh people do at the movies sometimes.

124. The majority of my neighbour.

125. The way Tyler Perry perpetuates stereotypes in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE he makes.

126. Offensive spam emails.

127. Trying to take your coat off in the car.

128. When people squeeze your hand prematurely while shaking hands and you get stuck looking like a weenie.

129. Rebel flags. SERIOUSLY. The south lost the war, get over it.

130. Wine experts who say things such as “On the nose, hints of oak and leather.”

131. People who thing Physical Education is a viable exam subject at school. No, it’s totally not.

132. When people walk really slowly down the street in front of you and they take up the whole pavement so you can’t get by and when you do get by they give you a dirty look.

133. Americans who go abroad and instead of bothering to learn some useful phrases in the local language just speak really loudly and slowly like everyone else is an idiot.

134. America’s Got Talent. Is it named ironically?

135. Guys who think they’re really cool because they’re wearing a visor.

136. Abercrombie employees. I'm sorry your modeling career didn't work out. But you don’t have to be a lazy idiot. And you DEFINITELY don’t need to suggest I layer anything.

137. People who wear trashy graphic tees. “If You’re Cute, I’m Single.”

138. When people step on my toes, especially if I’m wearing fabulous shoes.

A Comprehensive List of Things That Suck, Part 1

I highlighted my favorite ones.

1. When people feel the need to take up two parking spaces

2. Doing math homework

3. Cigarettes, Cigarette smoke, People who smoke cigarettes near me.

4. The colour yellow

5. Cadillac Escalades, especially the pick-up truck ones.

6. Hyenas

7. When people who feel the need to hit, bang, rattle, or pound on the glass at the zoo.

8. People who spit in public on the sidewalk

9. 72nd Street, especially in the morning.

10. Mullets

11. Guys in v-necks or unbuttoned shirts with chest hair.

12. Mustaches.

13. The Kardashians

14. Depression

15. Math

16. Excessive Humidity

17. Excessive PDA

18. People who can't control their children and therefore don't care to attempt it.

19. People who think I'm a stripper (you know who you are, chain-smoking dingo freak.)

20. Unnecessarily loud chewing

21. When people poke me in the side

22. Coffee grounds

23. Insomnia

24. People who litter, especially in view of a waste receptacle (I LOVE the word receptacle).

25. People who feel the need to tell me obvious things, ie "You have huge boobs."

26. When you feel like you're going to sneeze and then don't.

27. Swallowing large pills.

28. When people explain to me calmly that I am going to hell.

29. Small-minded, uneducated, self-righteous school board members.

30. Monday

31. When people unnecessarily use pig latin

32. Windows operating systems

33. People who don't pay attention at stop lights

34. Open-toed boots. wtf.

35. Wind pants

36. People who tailgate me

37. How some metal turns my skin green

38. Losing an earring back

39. People who tell me I shouldn't recycle

40. When people cram their SUV's in compact parking

41. Shopping at the mall

42. Mediocrity

43. When I am the only one in the bathroom and someone chooses the stall next to mine even though there are like 20 other ones to choose from.

44. People who think "Pro-Choice" is the same as "Pro-Abortion"

45. Fox news

46. When a box is missing 1 or 2 crayons and then everything is all loose.

47. People who stick their gum under stuff and then I inadvertently touch it and feel dirty.

48. Alcohol

49. When people feel the need to make names "fancy" by misspelling them. (See Khanner/Conner)

50. That spooky non-Texas, Texas accent that Bush has.

51. Possums

52. When someone's dog poops on my sidewalk and they leave it there.

53. When people are like, "You don't look 18." Well guess what? I'm not. I'm older.

54. The fact that I feel the need to respond to said questions with "That's because I'm 40."

55. When people? end everything? With a question mark?

56. "Knocked Up." Stupidest movie EVERRRR.

57. When people don't know the difference between irony and coincidence.

58. That my dictionary doesn't recognize assface as a word.

58. When people don't get sarcasm.

59. When people tell me to google things. "Do you know how to get a business loan?" "Well, google it."

60. OBX stickers. Overseas, this style sticker identifies where the vehicle is from. Like, we have "Nebraska" on our plate, they would have UK. Then it became a trend in America starting with people putting "UK" on their car, which turned in to all other sorts of stupid, and I kind of want to kill you because there is NO WAY your car is actually registered in DMB (Dave Matthews Band).

61. When people RIGHT in front of you don't hold the door and drop it in your face.

62. Catfish.

63. All other kinds of freshwater fish

64. When people tell me what I want to do or am trying to do is impossible.

65. When I ask a question and people respond by asking how I don't already know. For instance, I’ll ask “How do you play sudoku?” and the person answers “You don’t know how to play sudoku?” If I knew, I wouldn't have asked.

66. When people use the elevator for one floor. Being fat and lazy doesn't count as a disability.

67. Most contestants on Jeopardy because come on, get over yourselves.

Another Sick-Bay Post

Sometimes I sit and draw wedding dresses on scraps of shiny white wrapping paper that my mother uses to wrap wedding gifts, and sometimes I go to bridal shops with a fake engagement ring and try on dresses, just to see what it would feel like to wear one.

Sometimes I look at BYU's website and read their course offerings and majors lists.

Sometimes I put on karaoke music and sing in the shower.

Sometimes I try to make fancy cupcakes 100% from scratch.

Sometimes I photoshop pictures to make my teeth whiter.

Sometimes I spend 3 or 4 hours looking at YSL and Christian Louboutin shoes online.

Sometimes I try to sew stuff that isn't from a pattern.

Sometimes I write things... I've been working on a novel for years.

Sometimes I forget to be an adult and dream like a child. Sometimes I enjoy myself. And then sometimes when I snap back to reality it hurts so much I can hardly breathe because I know that I will never be pretty enough to get married or smart enough to go to BYU, or rich enough to buy YSL or talented enough to really sing or sew or bake or get my work published. Crushing your dreams one at a time is one of the worst feelings.

If I Was President of The United States.

Here's a theoretical diary entry that I wrote because I'm insane.

Dear Diary,

It's a beautiful spring day here in Washington, and I wish I had the chance to take more of a walk than the one from the residence to the west wing. Rod and Michael played outside for a good portion of the day and I did enjoy Michael kicking his soccer ball. He really is daddy's boy, which is so good for both of them. Sometimes I just feel like I'm missing out. I can't really complain though because Rod and I enjoyed a little "alone time" in my private study while Michael was at kindergarten today. Never have I been more thankful that I decided to wear a skirt! We may have rattled a few screws loose on my desk, though. I need to get it looked at anyway.

The budget meetings ran long today, which was brutal. And since this is just between us, the Prime Minister of Israel can be a real dick sometimes. I'm so sick of him patronizing me the way he does. Do you think he called Clinton or Bush or Obama or Romney or O'Connor "dear"? I don't think so. At least I hope not. I don't know why he would call the leader of the free world "dear."

I finally made it up to the residence for dinner tonight for the first time this week. Michael was so thrilled and it made me feel terribly guilty. I need to get to dinner more often than I do. It's been so busy preparing for the summit that I haven't even eaten most nights. Lately I've been feeling rather nauseous. I hope it's just from stress.... otherwise... Oh, I can't even think about it. I would just have to consider myself fortunate that my second term is almost up.

These years have flown by so fast.

No time for nostalgia now. I had better get to bed... at this point I have about 6 hours to sleep which is a welcome night. Provided there isn't a national security crisis. Knock on wood.

With Love,

Kennedy Montgomery

I HATE I HATE I HATE

An excerpt from my journal while I was... sick...

I hate it when you start to make mac n cheese and then you realize you don't have milk so you're stuck with just buttery noodles covered in cheese powder. I hate it when people add you on Facebook and you don't want to be friends with them but you have to so you don't hurt their feelings.

I hate the hospital. I hate how they think painting a big yellow dinosaur on the wall is going to fix my problems. I hate Doodle Jump. I hate people who play the race card. I hate The Barefoot Contessa because she freaks me out, and I don't know why she's barefoot.

I hate it when people give their kids stupid names like Nevaeh and Wingspan and Soliloquy and Reign Beau and all that crazy. And I hate it when people spell regular names like an idiot. I hate Khanners and Cyrahs and Emaleighs and Gennyphers and Jesykahs.

I hate my fingernails. I hate my beaky nose and my shallow chin and my big honkin' boobs and my even bigger honkin' thighs. I hate my weird two-toned eyes and my static-attack hair and the fact that I don't just look like freakin' Catherine Zeta-Jones.

I hate video games and airplanes and how most the time long sleeves aren't long enough for my weird extra-long arms. I hate razor burn and chapped lips. I hate when people wear really bad colored contacts because they're not fooling anyone. I hate it when I bite the inside of my cheek. I hate paper cuts.

I hate my lack of self control. I hate my lack of emotional control. I hate that I am weak and selfish and I hate that I got myself into this awful situation. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of reasons, including that I hate myself for hating myself.

I hate that this is all I can write right now.

I'm gonna die alone! :D

So I was sitting in my bedroom alone at 8:00 on a Saturday night and I realized that nobody will ever want to date me because I'm a crazy person.

Just kidding. I didn't just realize this. I've known it for quite some time now. But I was thinking that I should try online dating, since only someone who has never met me in person would ever agree to go on a date with me. So I decided to come up with a profile. And I thought I'd share it here first.

Hello! My name is Glory Allegory and I'm looking for the father of my children! To determine whether or not you'd like to impregnate me, here are some things you should know. I'm currently a 20-something student living in my parents' basement. I don't go to a "real" college because I have no real aspirations yet, as all of my career goals are almost certainly unattainable. Also I'm cheap. As you might have guessed, I'm an artist! I also love baseball, the History Channel, and anything that has to do with George Washington. In my free time, I cut myself. I also talk to my cat in weird voices and watch My Little Pony. In a relationship, I bring a sense of humor that can best be described as self-incriminating.

Likes: Cats, Space, Dinosaurs, Geena Davis, Presidents, Baseball, Music that you've never heard of before.

Dislikes: People.

I hope that I've sparked your interest! Let me know if you'd like to procreate with me!!! ;)

Oh yeah.

I'd date me.

The Weather Sucks and So Does Nostradamus.

I've been... sick. Yeah. We'll go with that. Saying any more is both incriminating and complicated.

It snowed today. I hate that it snowed today. Because snow brings the reality of having four seasons right back to spit frost in my face. And I'm not down with that. Not even close to being down with that. Also, with midwestern weather having the flair for the dramatic it does, it thunder-snowed. Where else does that happen?

The fact that I don't control the weather endlessly frustrates me. I heard it was 70 yesterday (I don't know because I wasn't allowed outside) but then it snowed today? Seriously? Here's how it should be: It's 70-78 degrees for 85% of the year. It's cool and fall weather-y for 9% of the year, hot enough to go swimming for 4% of the year and then it will snow on December 23rd about 4 inches, enough to be pretty and play in but not enough to really disrupt life. We will have a white christmas. And then it will all melt by New Year and go back to being awesome until next December 23rd.

In other news, 52 days until Christmas, which makes me feel like the world is coming to an end. But actually, 414 days until the world comes to an end for real. According to the Mayans. And maybe Nostradamus but I'm pretty sure he was full of crap because all he ever said was crytic a-hole stuff like "The sky will turn dark and suffering will rain down upon the earth." Yeah, well, you know what buddy? I can do that too. "Everything will suck." See? I just predicted the future. And I didn't even have to be a cryptic a-hole about it. Suck it, Nostradamus.

Back to Christmas though... I don't really like Christmas. It's all commercial and cheerful. And I mean I'm as cheerful as the next person about the birth of our Savior, I really am. I think it's awesome. But like... I'm pretty sure there weren't gaudy lights and pine trees and jingle bells all over the effin' place when Jesus was chillin' in the manger. The expectation for cheer when there's like a 50% chance of me falling unceremoniously on my face on the ice is absurd. That's rights, beyotches, bah-m-f'in-humbug.

I'm getting nothing but coal in my stocking this year.

...which, seriously, Santa, enough with the fossil fuels. Can we... like... go green already?