Put Your Vagina Away.

Seriously, ladies. Keep that business out of reach, for the love of all things... sanitary.

It's that time of year again... Halloween is only days away. Or wait... did I miss the memo? Did they change the name of the holiday to Whoreaween? Because that is what I am seeing. Everywhere. And I am sick and mo-effin' tired of it... for several reasons.

First of all... what makes you ladies think you need to walk around in lingerie? Lingerie is reserved for delighting your menfolk in the bedroom, isn't it? That's why it's lingerie and not marketed as public attire. It belongs in the confines of you own home... or a strip club. Why are you giving away your goodies for free? Why are you letting it all hang out for the world to see? The way I see it, you are degrading yourselves, girls. Walking around in underwear gives men the impression that you are easy. And it gives other women the impression that you are a sad attention whore with daddy issues. Perhaps you are both of those things. In which case, you might want to consider evaluating your life and where you are at. If you are not those things, why are you okay with letting people think you are? Being too accessible will likely work to your disadvantage anyway. Just ask Planned Parenthood.

My next point I'd like to make is this: if you have to be slutty, AT LEAST TRY! It's Halloween, skank-face, not amateur night at The Playhouse. If you are going to go out in lingerie in public and expose everyone to your lady parts, at least have some semblance of actual costume. It's not a costume if it's just a short red dress, fishnets and glittery stilettos. Are you slutty Carmen San Diego? Are you Paula Abdul? We don't know. You just look like a hooker. Maybe you are a hooker, in which case, be a little more original. It's not a costume if it's a black corset, hotpants and fishnets with thigh-high boots. Are you a dominatrix? Where's your whip? Are you catwoman? Where's the cat part of that scenario? Are you a hooker again? I've just began to assume that 90% of all women dress as hookers for Halloween. At least put on a pair of freakin' animal ears so we know that you understand the holiday.

My final point for this angry, judgmental rant is that I am really tired of seeing people not dress for their body type. Listen, I'm not some hot blonde with a perfect tan and a smokin' bikini-ready body. I get it. But when you've got some serious cellulite cheesin' up your back half, please do not wear a skirt that shows the lower half of your butt cheeks. PLEASE. For the love of all things good in this world, PUT IT AWAY. If you didn't feel like shaving your armpits this month, don't wear a strapless dress. If you wear a 38D, don't try and cram yourself into a 36C. It gives you smashy double boobs and back fat. I am a firm believer that everyone is beautiful in their own way if they just know how to work with it. I know y'all don't wanna see my big ol' size 12 hunk of cellulite butt in a pair of spandex booty shorts so I'm not going to subject you to it. I'm just polite that way. But if you can't pull it off, please don't put it on anyway.

I apologize if I have offended anyone (but like seriously get over yourself) but that's how I feel about Halloween and women. I don't know why you have to be a sexy police officer. Why can't you just be a regular one?

Men, you just wait. I'll tell you how I feel about your dumb behinds later.

ANOTHER Top 10! You're welcome!

Presenting the Top 10 Things that are Motherf-ing Awesome in every way. Ready? GO!

1. SPACE

It's vast, it's infinite, it makes you feel small and insignificant. And there's no gravity, beyotch.

2. Sy-Fi Original Movies

Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Boobs, Cake, and poorly animated giant reptiles!

3. Abraham Lincoln.

Two words: Emancipation Proclamation.

4. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Friendship IS magic, you guys. And Rainbow Dash OWNS.

5. George Washington

G-Dubs is the Father of this Nation. No justification needed.

6. Geena Davis.

Do I really need to explain myself here? She's got legs for miles and is Stuart Little's mom. And she's all feministy and was the President on TV and is really smart and funny and AWESOME.

7. Utah.

This is Bridal Veil Falls in Provo Canyon. Tell me that's not one of the most beautiful things you've ever seen.

8. Backpacks with a variety of pockets

You can fit like everything in there! And everything has its own little place and it's like everything has a home and is all snug and cozy and has a place where it just belongs......

9. Apple Computers

Ever gotten a computer virus? I haven't.

10. Baseball

Best sport ever. Case in point... HOT.

Bonus Number 11. CAKE.

Because CAKE!

I suck at everything normal people are supposed to like... mainly college.

I just looked in the mirror and noticed that it was the prettiest I've looked all day. At midnight. When I'm about to take my contacts out and go to bed. HOW is that fair? I spent all day around thousands of people and now I get home and my face decides to behave? That's some bullsh*t right there.

I went to another football game today! That's 2 in 3 weeks! And both were homecoming games. Not that it makes any difference.... but that's like a lot of college football for me. Anyway... I spent some quality time at Kinnick Stadium today. The game was at 11 which is like... ungodly early for a football game in my opinion... but I still enjoyed it and the Hawkeyes won, which is awesome. (BYU won today too if anyone cares.)

Being in Iowa City really got me thinking though. What if I never end up at a big school? What if I'm stuck in fake college forever? I could have gone anywhere if I had just cared... but then I didn't and so I got stuck here. But what I realized today is that I'm not sure I'd be doing any better there than I am here.

College kids are like... douchebags. Seriously. Everyone was all trashy and loud and drunk and puffing big clouds of smoke all over the place and I'm like UGH seriously you guys?! First of all smoking is like the most inconsiderate habit you can have... if you're smoking in public, non-smokers have to be exposed to it, which we're not down with, thank you so very much. Also they litter a lot and cigarette filters take up to 20 years to begin biodegrading. (According to some girl in my speech class last Wednesday?) Second of all, could you not be sloppy drunk in public? As marginally amusing as it is to watch you fall into the bushes, it's mostly just pathetic and I don't want to see it.

Then there is the issue of dorms. I am one of the most unlucky people I know, so there is like a 99% chance that I would get stuck with a roommate who:

• Collects knives
• Is a serial dater and cries for hours every time someone breaks up with her
• Is a stoner
• Is a slut who constantly wants to "use the room"
• Doesn't have a remote sense of personal hygiene
• Has terrible grammar
• Likes country music
• Is taking one of those parenting classes and has a fake baby that cries at obscene hours of the night for like a week straight

Or any number of other possibilities or combinations. Also with a dorm, you not only have to share a room with another person, usually a total stranger, but you also have to share a bathroom. WITH AN ENTIRE FLOOR OF STRANGERS. I'm sorry, but no. Just... ew. No. Please don't make me think about it. How am I supposed to shave my legs? How am I supposed to perform full length musical numbers while drying my hair? How am I even supposed to dry my hair?! How am I supposed to.... poop?! It's all just too horrifying to comprehend!

The only big school I'd even consider going to now I think would be BYU. Because Mormons don't get sloppy drunk and blow smoke in your face. Real ones don't anyway. I'm guessing the occurrence of encountering either is far less than at other Division 1 schools.

Anyways... That's basically it for now. In summary, college kids suck, Mormons are awesome, I'm scared of dorms and Go Hawkeyes.

We good?

Top 10 of the Week!

Remember when I said I was gonna do that? Yeah... well... tryin' it again.

Presenting the Top 10 People I Would Totally Bang if the Occasion Arose.

1. Zach Galifianakis

2. Kyle Secor

3. Robin Williams

4. Richard Simmons

5. Rick Moranis

6. Dustin Hoffman

7. Jason Alexander

8. Tim Curry

9. Danny Devito

10. Christopher Walken

What? NO I'M NOT SERIOUS! Except for one. I'm seriously about one. Guess which one. He's old enough to be my father but DAYUM. What's the opposite of a cougar?

I've got the magic in me.

Why, yes, I did have a good day today. Thank you for asking.

Seriously, though, today was a lot better than most of my recent days. I think it's because of this t-shirt I was wearing:

How could you not have a good day when wearing a catstronaut t-shirt? You see my point. (I'm not sure people know what to do with me. And I'm not sure if I like that or not.)

Basically everything I touched turned into gold today. Okay, not really. But I did give a really swell speech today. Literally aced it. It was about Mormons and how we're awesome. And I gave it while wearing a catstronaut t-shirt. So yeah... aced it. I also feel pretty good about the paper I recently turned in. And now the whole of my stressful work is complete until I get another load dumped on me. But right now I can relax. Which is such an amazing feeling.

I had a long talk with my neighbor Kymber today about how I'm an idiot. The funny thing about Kymber is that she just has to look at you and you want to tell her all your secrets. Like I pretty much told her all my secrets tonight. And I told her about my crazy bad habits and she listened very politely and kindly and then she told me something that, for some reason, I had never considered before...

I've had maybe 5 or 6 bad days this year. That leaves 360 days when I did it right.

And suddenly... I felt a little better about myself.

Today has been a good day indeed. Now, however, I'm going to go to bed. Kymber gave me some essential oil called serenity and it smells so lovely that I just want to go to sleep forever and dream about warm sunshine and green grass and blue skies and fluffy kitties and prancing ponies........

Sigh.

The Queen of Irony

I haven't been writing my blog posts lately because I have been too busy polishing my crown. Oh, didn't you know? I am royalty. The Queen of Irony, actually. Also the Duchess of Socially Inappropriate Dance Moves.

Here's how I earned my title: This last week after returning from somewhere that shall remain nameless (I think you know), I did something bad that required me to get stitches. Then my everyone got mad and scared and made me stay in the house for 6 straight days and I had to sleep and pee and take a shower with the door open. And I had to sleep upstairs.... and all sorts of other humiliating things that I really just brought upon myself. And while I was sitting there thinking about how I hadn't done anything I was supposed to do yet, it struck me that I didn't even have a topic nailed down for my speculation about causes essay. So I looked to my left... to my right... down at my arms in my lap...

LIGHTBULB!

I think I'll write my paper about self-injury.

Ironic, is it not? So I interviewed my therapist for one of the 6 hours that I talked to her over the last week to use as one of my sources. I tried to make the causes sound legit. Because if I was going to write it about my own personal experiences it would just be like, "I'm sad so I'm gonna wreck myself up. (Allegory 4)"

Aaaaaanyways.... I'm just going to start making fun of myself so it doesn't seem so outwardly pathetic... just pathetic when you stop and think about it. That is my goal in life... to fool people into thinking I'm funny so that they don't stop and think and realize that I'm just sad.

How's it working so far?

Well that's just perfect.

I found this on some website that I don't remember. Anyway, I thought I'd share it.

Guess what the first three words I found were?

Funny, sad and broken.

Sounds just about frickin' right.

Utah Ruined Me.

No seriously, Utah has ruined me forever. I don't want to get out of bed unless there are mountains to see, which there are not. I don't want to do my school work because I got to climb mountains and go to football games and make gah-gah faces at a boy and consume Jamba Juice and ride alpine coasters and see Temples in Utah and all I did was have fun (and fall too deeply in love with a boy I will probably never have).

In all honesty, to be completely 100 percent truthful, I've never felt more at home anywhere else in the whole world. And I've been a lot of places. But I breathed that mountain air and now anything else just feels stale. It's actually a completely horrendous feeling, to finally find where you belong and then LEAVE 4 days later, with no plans to return any time soon. Not to be dramatic, but I feel like everything I love gets ripped away from me. I meet a boy and he leaves for college and Scooters quits making passionfruit smoothies and Blue doesn't have the TNT roll anymore and Commander in Chief got cancelled after one season and so did the Gates and Target doesn't have the healthy chicken nuggets I love and Nebraska just isn't Utah.

I'm finding it really, really hard to care about anything right now. It's sort of horrible. Which is why I feel like this trip was a total and complete mistake. It just made my heart hurt. But at the same time... it was the best 4 days of my whole entire life. For those 4 days I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Except for on the way to the airport, when I cried for 75 minutes straight, including through security, and listened to "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" on loop.

I think I have a speech due Monday, and I KNOW that I have a paper due for peer editing. But I've been so busy trying to preserve the skin on my arms that I just haven't had the energy to do them. I'm a terrible college student. People are always like, "Aren't Mormons supposed to be, like, really good students?" and I'm like, yeah, we're also not supposed to say SHIT either, so whoops. I suck. Nobody has ever claimed otherwise so don't act so freakin' surprised. So what if I got a 34 on my ACT? I am a chronic underachiever. And now that I'm questioning my life goals and purpose, I'm becoming even more of one. Just deal with it.

I was talking with a friend today and he told me that 99% of people consider themselves above average. I am perhaps that 1% that thinks I'm subpar in every aspect. Sure, I'm probably above average intelligence wise, but I'm a definitely below proficient at using that intelligence to my ability, which makes me of about average intelligence. In the looks department, I might be a 5. Definitely not beautiful. But somewhere north of hideous. The only place I am willing to acknowledge that I might be above average is in the boobs department.

The thing is, though, I'm tired of just being average. I'm tired of not feeling good enough for anything or anyone. And I'm tired of taking it out on myself in unhealthy ways. I'm tired of being a waste of time and space, and of only excelling in one area: parental disappointment. When I was in Utah I felt like I could maybe be someone... do something right. But now that I'm back, I feel like nothing again. Just empty... a shell of worthless nothing.

Stupid freakin' Utah.

I'm in a Better Mood Tonight.

You're welcome.

I've been on Pintrest for the last hour and a half looking at stuff and I inadvertently stumbled upon (not on StumbleUpon though) some pretty b.a. stuff. I've been laughing for about 20 minutes over this:

I feel like as a Nebraskan, I should buy this just to have it. As a novelty item. A conversation piec... okay maybe not. But it does crack my sh*t up.

After browsing a specific blog for a while (this one) I have discovered that I may or may not be totally kitschy. I am sort of weirdly quirky like all this stuff... it all makes me smile. Like this:

Or this:

Or this:

It is all just too delightful for me to stand. I sometimes think I would have belonged in any time period better than I belong in this one. Except for the 30's, because, ya know... downer.

I've cried like 7 times today already...

I think Utah broke me.

It put a short in my circuits or something.

I've cried like 7 times today. I get this horrible sense of dread, I sob for about a minute, then I feel numb for a while and then I'm almost generally okay for a while. It's a horrible cycle. I can't even be funny right now I hurt so bad. I kind of think this whole trip was a horrible idea because now being at home just seems wrong. I feel like my life lacks beauty and purpose now. It was the best 4 days of my life and it was a terrible idea. Everything was so beautiful and it just felt like home. And it felt like a beautiful, wonderful dream being there.

I'm not going to school tomorrow. Something will remind me of Matt or of the mountains or of the wonderful people I met and the sense of belonging I felt and I will dissolve into tears and make a spectacle of myself and my contacts will get all foggy so I'm just not gonna go. I'm too depressed.

Darn you, Utah, for breaking my heart.

Has Anybody Seen My Nobel Prize?

I swear I just had it a minute ago....

So I've been thinking constantly, pretty much obsessively about my trip (4 days!!!) and all the things I need to think about and remember and all that. What I was thinking about today is how I'm going to introduce myself to Matt's family, whom I will be meeting while I'm in Utah. There are so many options... and I have so many concerns. Do I hug them? Shake their hands? Kiss them on the cheek? I'm so concerned about my first impression that I might just pee myself, cry and run away.

Just kidding. For as often as I allude to incontinence, my bladder control really is top notch.

Anyway, here are just a few of my introductory options. You can vote on which one is the best, hypothetical and non-existent readers.

-"Hi, I'm Glory! Oh, these? No, they're not real, I got them for my 16th birthday!"

-"Pleasure to meet you! Matt has told me so little about you that I actually feel really awkward right now..."

-"Hi, I'm Glory Allegory. Yes, THE Glory Allegory. No, no, I didn't bring my Nobel Prize. Next time."

-"Hi! I'm Glory! I really like space. I want to go to space someday. Do you like space? Isn't space amazing? There's so much space up there! You can just be in space forever."

-"Don't talk to me... The Tigers game is on."

-"..." (bursts into tears)

Honestly I'm so nervous that I can't even come up with funny introductions. I'm really stressing out over what I'm going to wear and how I'm going to do my hair and my makeup and what I'm going to say and how I'm going to make them think I'm charming because oh my gosh WHAT IF I'M NOT CHARMING?!

This is a disaster.

[insert brainy quote about ideas here]

I have a new idea. Ready? OK: A weekly top 10 list. Yeah, we'll see how long it lasts... but I think I've got it covered. It's late and I'm really tired because I spent a lot of time trying to understand football today, so I'm just going to jump right into my list for this week.

TOP 10 WORST IDEAS I'VE EVER HAD

(in no particular order)

10. Adding flour to a milkshake to make it thicker

9. Wiping paint off an X-acto knife... with my fingers

8. Auditioning for 42nd Street (more on that later)

7. Writing an entire essay in mirror image

6. A bob with bangs

5. Reading an encyclopedia (a heavy one) to a gerbil

4. Candles on the back of the toilet

3. Wearing a turtleneck for a driver's license photo

2. Pet birds

1.Wearing a strapless bra to P.E.